Written by 10:48 pm Music

7 Music Biopics You’ll Never See

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With Miles Davis being the latest musician to have a biopic made about him, we choose 7 music biopics Hollywood probably won’t make.

We’re in the era of the music biopic. In the past couple of decades, we’ve had the likes of Ray, Walk The Line, Notorious, Gainsbourg, I’m Not There, amongst many others to come including Don Cheadle’s Miles film and Zoe Saldana’s role in the upcoming Nina Simone biopic. But what if Hollywood threw us a curveball and made movies on less influential musicians? We decided to pick seven music biopics you’ll probably never see. Hopefully.

1. Erik King as MC Hammer in “Hammer Time”

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We all know MC Hammer for his pants and “U Can’t Touch This” but what about his religious background and where the hell did those pants actually come from? Some of you may know Erik King as the no nonsense Sergeant Doakes from Dexter but he has shown examples of comedy acting in shows like Malcolm In The Middle and Burn Notice. And you’re gonna need some comedy if you’re gonna play MC Hammer in a movie with those clothes on.

2. Demi Lovato as Rebecca Black in “Black Friday”

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This isn’t something we’d want to see but best believe the internet would IMPLODE if this happened. Sure, Rebecca Black hasn’t done anything to warrant a biopic on her music career (what career?) but that’s the point of this whole feature. But if someone was crazy enough to make this project, we’d probably get a backstory to Friday and discover who the hell told her she could sing. Hopefully, they’d get shot or something in the movie. Artistic licence.

3. Kevin Costner as Michael Bolton in “Soul Provider”

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Something more tangible – if you can call it that. Kevin Costner would no doubt star and direct the film as that’s just what he does and it might be quite interesting. We’d no doubt get a backstory about his Russian father and see Kevin Costner with long hair and belting out numbers such as “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You“, “(Sittin’ On) the Dock of the Bay” and Time, Love & Tenderness. Is it weird that I want this to be a thing now?

4. Lil Wayne as one of the worms in a Men In Black spinoff movie/”Tha Carter Movie”

Lil-Wayne

Commercially, this would probably the most successful movie. It wouldn’t strictly be a music biopic but it would confirm the rumours that *Lil Wayne was in fact a motherfucking Martian. He’s often been likened to one of the worms from Men In Black so making him the main baddie would work. I’d draw the line at him contributing to the main soundtrack though. Maybe even a Rick Ross cameo as Jabba The Hut. What, too far? My bad.

5. Captain Planet as Nicki Minaj in “Barbie World”

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Don Cheadle (who will be playing Miles Davis in his biopic as we mentioned earlier) actually played Captain Planet in a comedy short but we reckon the real Captain Planet could do a good job as Nicki Minaj. But wait, I hear you cry, Captain Planet is a man! Well, I’m sure the scriptwriter could put something in where he could change into a woman (Mother Earth perhaps?) and “beez in the trap”. Of course, the plot would involve Barbies and multiple hair colour changes so don’t expect anything ecological. Jhené Aiko, Kid Cudi, Kreayshawn, Ed Sheeran and Tila Tequila as the Planeteers.

6. Kevin Hart as Kanye West in “Yeezus”

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This is an easy choice but lord this would be hilarious. No doubt Kevin Hart would take Kanye’s early excitable nature and mould it into his heartbreak era and ending up in a crazed and confused ego before deifying himself. Kanye could make a cameo as Kevin Hart and maybe get rid of that sad grey hoodie cloud over his head. But who would play Kim? We’ll leave that one up to you.

7. Weird Al Yankovic as Kenny G in “Smooth”

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Apparently, Weird Al has already addressed people mistaking him for the infamous smooth jazz musician but would we really need a biopic about one of the most unpopular jazz musicians? There’d no doubt be comedy in there and Weird Al’s penchant for amusing musical parodies so perhaps he’d fit into Kenny’s catalogue perfectly. Or maybe we’d get a more serious subtext into his musical background and his personal feelings towards the backlash against his style. Don Cheadle cameo as Miles Davis? This whole feature is messed up so why not?