We give our dream list of eight creative directors we’d like to see in 2013.
What do Lady Gaga, will.i.am, Alicia Keys, Justin Timberlake and (now) Lupe Fiasco all have in common? They’ve jumped on the growing “creative director” bandwagon. Gaga teamed up with Polaroid back in 2010, will.i.am with Intel, Alicia joined forces with Blackberry in January, Timberlake with Bud Light Platinum (of all the beers to choose…) and Higi, “a new health and wellness app where he now serves as creative director and an investor”.
Apart from these companies trying to attach big household names with their products to drum up sales, I can’t see anything sensical about these moves. I mean, will they really be directing anything remotely creative within these multinational corporations, and if they do, what are the chances they’ll just end up like Homer Simpson’s “The Homer“? With that being said, here is a list of eight people we’d love to see as creative directors.
1. 50 Cent – Creative Director of Kevlar®
His cat lives may have saved his life when he got shot nine times and the glass in the cover of his debut album cover may have protected him but sooner or later, he’s gonna need some real protection from bullets. A collaboration with Kevlar® would be ideal, as not only would he be able to get free bulletproof vests, he’d also be able to customise them for his needs. We’d recommend a breathable vest for the summer to go with his wife beater and maybe a faux fur-lined one for those cold winter nights in the crib. He won’t be toast but he’ll surely be toasty!
2. DOOM – Creative Director of Olay
Now, this isn’t a diss against DOOM or the condition of his skin (whatever it is behind the mask), but think about it: Olay do face masks. DOOM wears a face mask. See? It can get sweaty under all the metal so he could easily replace the steel for a face pack, rejuvenating his skin and keeping his identity concealed.
3. Kanye West – Creative Director of Colgate-Palmolive
Again, NOT a diss but this would be good for practical purposes. Kanye has been ranting on his abominable snowman/straitjacket dressed soapbox quite a lot recently and that means a lot of shouting and some possible flying saliva. The last thing you’d need as a fashion-conscious rapper with something to say is bad breath and discoloured teeth (neither of which we believe he has of course). Enter Colgate.
He could easily jazz up their brands with names such as Colgate Fakin’ Plax, Colgate “What’s My Grammy” Total and Colgate “Ooh, They So” Sensitive. And since Palmolive is part of the company, throw in some shower gel for when it gets a bit musty in those yeti costumes.
4. Peanut Butter Wolf – Creative Director of Jif (the peanut butter)
I think the name speaks for itself here. There’s a gap in the market for peanut butter eating/endorsing hip hop artists and I think PBW could definitely fill that void. You could have a little wolf on the front of Jif jars and free Stones Throw giveaways. Maybe have some “peanut butter and ‘jam’ sessions” in their studio? Can this happen? I don’t even eat peanut butter myself but this would definitely turn me towards it.
5. Gucci Mane – Creative Director of Gucci
Half of his damn name is given to the clothing brand. Without it, he’d just be Mane and that’s not as cool. He could easily follow in the footsteps of Kanye and Rihanna with a line of clothing for the thugs who want to “keep it real” but in comfortable and stylish garments. I’m not sure whether he’d want them in leather “kilts” or tight jeans but only time will tell. Maybe we could see a clothing collaboration between them all.
6. Azealia Banks – Creative Director of YKK Group/Rosetta Stone
Have you ever seen YKK on some of your zips? Well, they’re a Japanese group of manufacturing companies who specialise in making zips. But what would Azealia Banks need with zips?
Well, after her tirade of homophobic comments, seemingly incessant rants (maybe she needs to jump on Kanye’s Colgate gig) and whining in regards to using songs without permission, she’ll need something to keep her mouth shut. But if she’s that loose with her words, it’s unlikely she’ll zip her own mouth up, a la Zippy so maybe she’d like to translate her colourful language for other people to understand. Maybe.
7. Kreayshawn – Creative Director of Aol.
Now, this is more of a diss. When Time Warner merged with AOL in 2000 for more than $160 billion, it was the largest merger in American corporate history. Nine years later, Time Warner spun the company off into a separate public company, thus ending the troubled relationship. The failure was costly and the people at the time didn’t see it coming (like everything when the dotcom bubble burst and the world recession of 2008-2009). This is sort of similar to the potential Kreayshawn supposedly had.
A white girl rapper with “swag” and an appeal to… well, white girls. After the internet success of “Gucci Gucci” (maybe she should work with Gucci Mane and Gucci), there were high hopes for her album, Somethin ‘Bout Kreay, especially after signing with Sony. Unfortunately, sales were lacklustre and it went on to sell 3,900 in its first week, the lowest first-week sales of a major label artist ever. So it seems like a natural pairing of minds, two failed entities in their respective fields. Lightning couldn’t strike twice, right?
8. Snoop Lion – Creative Director of Apple
He shares a name with one of the company’s operating system and this is the third name change (Snoop Doggy Dogg > Snoop Dogg > Snoop Lion). Seeing as Rastafarian officials have effectively exiled him from their group, he needs a new group to hook up with and what better than sellers of the iPhone and iPad. We could have the iSnoop or a MacBook Snoop or perhaps he could change his name with the OS iterations: Snoop Mountain Lion, Snoop Lynx, Snoop Snow Leopard. The possibilities are endless.